I’m Stuck

I’m stuck.

A Pirates Fate

A Pirates Fate By Jecca Bitner 7/1/15

The vessel sets south but the wind is blowing north
Pass the port and there goes the fort
Sails fluttering way up high
And she’s without knowledge how to fly
Everything she’s learned she’s taught herself
And people wonder a woman’s worth..
Riding through the strongest tides
The storm comes to no surprise
So as she stands and yells “Heave ho, Avast Ye”
But the Coaming fails as fast as thee
So there she waits for the Seadogs and Scallywags to assist the Matey
To no avail, she must Ballast the wheel
Because there is no Bosun upon this Jury Rigged Jolly Roger..
She pulls the Lanyard as the lookout falls into the Black Sea
Trying to fetch him; impossible in this Fathom
So she keeps ahead.. Salty faced and dry eyes looking for an evasion
The Crew leaving her stranded to save this Vessel one by one.. So she tries and tries to breach tide without discouragement..
But the Jolly Roger is sinking.. So she leaves all behind and leaps to the ocean, fearful of her life
From a distance she vaguely sees the Crow’s Nest down a float..
Wondering how and wondering why
So there she floats, in the freezing waters delight
She hears her men screaming, drowning, being struck with waves so high
She lays there gasping for air and fighting with all of her might
My ship has sunk and I am in the middle of the deadly pirates sea..
Daylight shall come soon, I just know it be..
But daylight never comes
So I wonder what the afterlife will be
A blissful world with no treachery or greed
So here I lay, shivering alone yet my mind set free
Because on the other side.. Hope must be there for me..

Things I learned in Europe

Posted by I Felt Like Talking

October 22,2015

Last October I toured Europe by myself for an entire month.. Here are some simple things I learned.. haha

There’s always another train if it’s daytime
People in Europe don’t smile at each other (while just walking around)
Everyone fuking smokes
It’ll be okay, there’s another train
Don’t carry shit bigger than you are
Eat at least once a day
Don’t drink 10liters of bier at Oktoberfest
Every guy under 24 looks like Justin Bieber
It isn’t Justin Bieber..
Everyone above 25 is hot as fuk
But not over 55
Every girl looks like the typical German girl- beautiful and big blonde braids
Anxiety attacks are more serious than anyone would know even if you have them prior to traveling.
If you have anxiety don’t drink
Don’t do drugs
Don’t go to Oktoberfest
Don’t go to Amsterdam
Pretend like you understand everything
Everyone walks with their dogs off of the leash and the dogs are obedient and actually follow- even in traffic
DONT fall asleep in a taxi…. Especially in a foreign country
Always memorize the taxi number you get into
Everyone says “I Luff et” and “Purrfekt” especially in London When you arrive at Stonehenge, take the thirty minute walk instead of riding the bus.
Everyone blows their nose in public – even while eating, which is my biggest pet peeve
WC stands for the restroom or “toilet/toiletten” You have to pay or tip to use most restrooms.

I will make a serious list some day..

Goodness of me

Posted by I Felt Like Talking

23:31 December 14, 2015

I’m bearing my soul to you
I know I’m not the only one
Waiting for you to set them free
But do tell me you see
All of the goodness in me
Waiting for you, what else could be ?
Just me
Here
Waiting for you
Set in stone
My heart full of gold
Set on the steps of your throne
Oh but could it be?
You’ve been there waiting for me?
Tell me
How do you know
If love is love or an infatuation
Give it a chance
Give us a chance
To truly retreat
To a paradise full of you and I
The Stars looking down on us from the sky
But oh, ever will it be?
That we are in a place together
Just waiting for our love to be set free..

23:31 Dec 14th

I’m O.K.

Posted by I Felt Like Talking

December 20, 2015 4:32am

I’m sorry I’m not the type to fake it til I make it..
Make pretend life is #blessed while I struggle for the things I pretend came easy,
Say yes to things I could only cold heartedly agree to,
Be the person who always smiles in the worst circumstances just for personal gain,
Forget about love because of a boss who tells me I won’t succeed without being single- he tries to touch me everyday..
Stay with someone in fear for my future,
Stay with a team or crew full of greed and selfishness knowing I could succeed with them but be treated terribly until then,
Fake a personality to be accepted by someone,
Tell a lie to maintain a lifestyle,
Tell a lie to “get someone’s back” I barely even know,
Say “I love you” to people who only call me when they are in need,
Party with people who are the cities Valerians
Sorry but not sorry, I will hold my ground and peace.
I forgive you for seeking me in your petty time of need.
I forgive you for using me.
For taking my money and time.
For making me the thing that keeps your head up.
I am okay.
And I am okay without having anything.. Or anyone clouding my soul.
Clouding my life.
I am okay.

Eternal Life

Posted by I Felt Like Talking

I had the weirdest dream that my mother and I had to walk through a hay field in a knee high flood to go to church on Sunday. A few miles in, I looked at my mother and she’s glowing yellow.. “Mom, why do you look like that?” I asked. Mother replied, “Hush! Nobody can see it but you! I’m hiding.” She looked beautiful with big braided blonde hair and gold yellow skin.
Almost immediately after that, soldiers dressed in metal armor rode up to us on horses and grabbed my mother and I. Malaya and my mothers dog were with us so they grabbed them too. “You fools!” A soldier shouted, “These are not humans, they belong to the immortals!” I began to cry as we rode off into the distance..
A few hours later we arrived at a huge mansion on the beach. There were a few women outside with glowing yellow eyes greeting us along with a very tall, prince like, devilishly handsome man with long black hair. He ordered the guards to take us inside and they began to drag us out of the paddy wagon (but more old school like a prisoner wagon/cage). My mother yelled for them to at least let the dogs go and demanded someone come take them for us.. My aunt and uncle (who I don’t really know in the dream) came and took them from us.. Malaya was hesitant to leave my side so I began to cry. “Go on.. It’s okay Malaya.. I love you! It’s okay Malaya.. Go on!”
I yelled to the Prince, “What do you want with us? I am going to kill you!” “Oh,” he said, “I will kill you first!” “Then DO IT!” I replied, as the soldier drug me off to show me to my chambers. Confused, scared and heartbroken I sat on my floor and cried. An Asian maid came in and gave me some crackers & wine and told me not to be afraid, that this was best for me. I stared at her confused and sipped the red rose wine.
I decided to walk around the mansion and find more wine. I was wearing a baby pink, long, nightgown that flowed behind me when I walked. My mother was standing in the kitchen and looked plump and old.. I said, “Mom, how do you do that?” “REALLY?!” She hollered as she snapped her fingers and changed back into the gold yellow skin. “You ruined it!” She said as she stormed out of the kitchen.
I found more wine and went to sit outside by the beach. It was quiet, I felt a little better; at peace. The prince snuck up behind me and startled me.. He asked how I was doing.. “What do you care?” I replied . “I think you’re lovely and i apologize for yelling at you earlier,” he said. “I’m not sorry. Why did you take me here?” “Isn’t it beautiful?” He asked as he kicked the sand with his boot.. “I don’t know what I am.. The soldiers..your guards.. They said we are immortal?!?” He smirked, ” Immortal.. Ahh yes! You’ll find everything out shortly.” He sat down next to me and held my hand which I hesitantly allowed. We spoke for a long time. It felt like he was a magnet to me. I felt so strange because I liked him but didn’t know why..
Later that night after I left him on the beach he wound up in the kitchen again. He poured me a glass of wine and asked to accompany him on the beach. “Maybe,” I said and walked away.. I must’ve fallen asleep because I woke up to the sun beating on my face and my wine glass on my nightstand. I anxiously ran out of the room into the kitchen and asked the maid what time it was. “Good morning dear! It’s 9:30am!” I thought the Prince would have my head for not meeting him.
I went to the powder room to wash my face and my mother appeared behind me. “Look in the mirror, what do you see?” She said, holding my shoulders with a fierce grip. “Umm… I see me..normal, me. Why do you keep changing the way you look?” “It’s a disguise, daughter. You can do it too! I’m sorry I never taught you anything.. I was trying to keep you safe. Trying to be a good mother. I love you,” she said and walked away. I stared at myself hard into the mirror, “I just don’t understand!” I whispered.. My eyes immediately turned into a glowing yellow, “AHH! Wow! Oh my gosh! Mom!” I ran all around the mansion and couldn’t find her. I ran outside into the field to look down and see the prince standing alone on the beach. I sat down and just watched him.. It didn’t take him long to realize I was in his presence. He turned around and waved, “it took you long enough!” He said smiling as he walked up the hill towards me. “I.. I’m really sorry sir.. I was really tired,” I said shyly.. “Oh.. Your eyes.. Beautiful. You’re changing!” He exclaimed happily. “You can see them?!” “Your eyes.. Umm yes, is it uncommon to be able to see people’s eyes?” He replied jokingly. “Ugh! You know what I mean! The color?! It’s weird,” I paused and looked away. “It isn’t weird. You will see. Just stay with me and I will teach you everything you need to know.” He said, “Try this,” he grabbed a pebble and chunked it at me. “My arm flung up and grabbed it quickly. “Impressive,” he said with a smirk and walked away.
The two women with yellow eyes came up from behind me with a bow and arrow. They told me not to say a peep and pulled the arrow back and aimed it at the prince. I couldn’t just keep quiet, I had to save him! “MOVE!” I yelled as I ran towards him. The arrow missed him by an inch. He smiled and somehow went from where we were standing to where the women were and had them pinned up to the wall by their throats. “Don’t play with me today,” he said as he set them down. They scurried inside giggling. “They like to play, ” he said. “I thought they were going to kill you!! I couldn’t let it happen!” I said in a rush.. “Don’t you remember darling? We are immortal..” He leaned in and kissed me on the forehead..
Then I woke up! 😊 I should really write down my dreams more!

I Felt Like Talking

Posted by I Felt Like Talking

My life is like a movie
So unpredictable and unbelievable you would think I’m lying
I can still hear the screaming
Feel the beating

I moved out at 14 years of age.. I was tired of my life being threatened by drunken people who call themselves adults.
I lost my virginity being raped by a person who called himself my best friend.. Him and his friends duck taped my mouth and had their way with me..

Men… Men would offer me places to sleep..
For my friends it was a school night so their parents didn’t allow me over
I’d fall asleep hoping for once, it was safe
i would wake up being pinned down and forced .. After a while of fighting it I would stop because I was afraid of what they’d do to me if I kept yelling.

For years, I struggled being a homeless child. I’ve been living in survival mode since I was a child..
I don’t blame myself anymore but I am tired.. Sick.. And tired

At 16 a friend of 3years drugged me and raped me at a party. And again it happened at 21. That’s three times.
Not including the men who gave me a roof over my head when I was a teenager.

I always wanted to be happy.. I wanted to be a writer.. A singer.. An actress.. Everyone calls me “a light” but I guess they don’t see how dark I truly am..

I fight every morning to start anew. Every morning. All of my pain isn’t just from physical abuse.. This isn’t even a third of my story.

Ive had friends commit suicide and I constantly want to join them … And have tried many times

Hope.. You could say I’m hopeful but
I keep getting torn down every step that I take

I’m not going to call this an awareness video honestly…. I just felt like talking.

Walking around with a fake smile, drinking when you don’t even want to.. All I can think about is getting on track.. But no
I’m always stopped

It’s like a trap.

Being someone who has survived and seen a nightmare full of things makes me feel, I’d say 80years old.. I’m not naive.

Soul crushing my life has been
And all I desire to do is to change it
To be successful
To never let a man touch me again
To be alone
To smile
To dream peacefully instead of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I’d like to live… For once in my life.. I want to live