forgiveness | I Felt Like Talking

Fill my lungs with smoke
As I dig a deeper hole
I am betrayed
You unloyal mother fuk
This situation is only getting worse
Your cruelty makes me sick
I despise your soul
You fuking sick fuk
Rest In Peace with your truly beloved
Your cheating whore
An apology will not suffice
You created this device
I forgave a million times
You should shovel your own ground

I’ll fill my lungs with smoke
Before I break down
Just another break down
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for you
Your stench wreaks in my nose
STAY TRUE?
Ya, FUK YOU
You don’t even know what it meant
Where I come from
My souls burning is disguise
From disgust
You’re just a bitch and I’m a bad mother fuker
If you only knew who I am you’d see
You’ll never fuk with another like me

You’re just the pig from my dreams

My life is like a movie
So unpredictable and unbelievable you would think I’m lying
I can still hear the screaming
Feel the beating

I moved out at 14 years of age.. I was tired of my life being threatened by drunken people who call themselves adults.
I lost my virginity being raped by a person who called himself my best friend.. Him and his friends duck taped my mouth and had their way with me..

Men… Men would offer me places to sleep..
For my friends it was a school night so their parents didn’t allow me over
I’d fall asleep hoping for once, it was safe
i would wake up being pinned down and forced .. After a while of fighting it I would stop because I was afraid of what they’d do to me if I kept yelling.

For years, I struggled being a homeless child. I’ve been living in survival mode since I was a child..
I don’t blame myself anymore but I am tired.. Sick.. And tired

At 16 a friend of 3years drugged me and raped me at a party. And again it happened at 21. That’s three times.
Not including the men who gave me a roof over my head when I was a teenager.

I always wanted to be happy.. I wanted to be a writer.. A singer.. An actress.. Everyone calls me “a light” but I guess they don’t see how dark I truly am..

I fight every morning to start anew. Every morning. All of my pain isn’t just from physical abuse.. This isn’t even a third of my story.

Ive had friends commit suicide and I constantly want to join them … And have tried many times

Hope.. You could say I’m hopeful but
I keep getting torn down every step that I take

I’m not going to call this an awareness video honestly…. I just felt like talking.

Walking around with a fake smile, drinking when you don’t even want to.. All I can think about is getting on track.. But no
I’m always stopped

It’s like a trap.

Being someone who has survived and seen a nightmare full of things makes me feel, I’d say 80years old.. I’m not naive.

Soul crushing my life has been
And all I desire to do is to change it
To be successful
To never let a man touch me again
To be alone
To smile
To dream peacefully instead of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I’d like to live… For once in my life.. I want to live