Sleeping Spell

Do you truly think that my heart can despise
The love of my life who was waiting for me
And I him rather impatiently,
Love is a myth of a fact or a rumor
There’s only room for two no matter your tutor
Love is no game, actually a challenge
But the best is to come for those who have knowledge
Knowing the chance and taking the risk
To love one completely without a fight with a fist.
My whole hearted soul awaits you in your sleep
While I lie here awaiting your presence to speak.
I love you

Garage Gun Fight

I didn’t sleep all night until this morning.. I started thinking a spider was crawling on me and that I’m losing my mind from insomnia but then found a spider under me this morning. Ugh

I did sleep for about an hour this morning and had this dream:

Arnold Schwarzenegger and I were walking to our cars at a mall around 5:30pm. All of the sudden I see some kid try to hand the security guard a gun but the security guard didn’t take it so the kid shot him in the groin.

The kid then ran to hand the gun to me so I took and and started pretending to shoot people. There was a swarm of these guys wearing hoodies handing out guns and whoever didn’t start killing people they would shoot point blank.

Arnold and I kept going up the staircase to try to get away but all of doors back into the mall were locked. We looked down and could see them taking over levels one by one. My thought was to find my car then haul out of there running them over, but we couldn’t find my car.

At the end of the dream everyone had hostages and someone handed me a new gun because I ran out of ammunition.. I looked at Arnold for advice and he took the gun from me and started pretending to teach me how to use it. I then crawled off to continue to look for my car but couldn’t find it still. I came back to get Arnold but he wasn’t there. He had fallen over the railing but wasn’t dead just stuck in the crevice of the staircase. He got out and everyone waiting on me to shoot people, then I woke up.

I thought about going back to finish the dream to see if we lived or if he saved the day somehow but didn’t want to.

I’m tired of not sleeping. I’m tired of nightmares and f*** that spider that made me think I was losing my mind.

© J.C.B. 1/24/17

Full Moon

Full moon on decline
You tell me what’s on your mind and I
Don’t understand how our worlds entwine
Because you-
Twist and turn them in full recline
I say one thing and you say another
As if I am on one plane, and your world is another- uh
I can’t see how I did so wrong
Asking you to not leave me on the ground
Can I? Ask you this, or it’s too profound
To be meaningful & respect what natures found?
So I- keep leaning and feeling down
One tie on one shoe but only one foot on the ground
Keep weeping and hurting harder
What’s the sense in it- taking word for tomorr’a
There’s no flat where they got us now because
I’ve got two shoes but only one on the ground…..

Blah

Some may miss you in the day
Some may kiss you in the night
But it’s when they miss you in the present time they are with you that matters
~ jecca

Info on Dream Walking

Someone asked and this was my reply:

 

It’s called dream walking when you enter others dreams. You can do it but most people it takes a long time to do it and can be a little dangerous.
I show up in people’s dreams a lot as well but usually I am just there smiling and sending them a message of some sort.

I am a dream walker myself. One day to practice (choose someone you really trust) is to meditate with eachother before you fall asleep, can be touching your third eye chakra to your friends as you say aloud where you two are going to meet in the dream world together. Describe the place in as much detail as you want, then tie a piece of yarn around your left index finger and their opposite and hold hands so the knots as together as you fall asleep. Then you go meet the person in the dream world. (Omar Moreno I hope this is helpful) The purpose of the yard is so when you’re in the dream, you look at your hands to see the yarn and know what you’re doing/ that it worked/ and to remind yourself where you’re supposed to be going.

Once you’re in Alpha level, 7/8-12CPS is when you can start a dream. It is a myth that it takes hours to get there, because I can fall asleep and be dreaming within seconds. My brain is just quicker than most.

Nun’s Eyes Sewn Shut

Dream:

I was with a bunch of people throwing a party at a hotel. My friends Sebastian and Timur were there alone with a bunch of random people.. Some girl kept rubbing on both of them and I was getting a little angry because I wanted Timur.
Was almost like a graduation party. Then the cops came and told us to quiet down and this hotel ended up being a nursing home sort of place that also used as a hotel.
A lady was being dragged outside for beating her kid. The little kid had a huge hole missing from the side/ top of his head but was still alive and standing, eyes open etc. it really creeped me out and I felt so mad at the lady.
Sometime later I found a mouse and my cat Killer tried to kill it. I didn’t save it in time so I held it until it died and stroked its head. Then a little bat was flying through the room. I followed it outside of the castle/ nursing home trying to catch it. When I caught it it bit me but I wasn’t afraid. I felt like it was feeding off of me. Then I turn around and see two long lines of nuns walking out of the building chanting. I stand there and wait for them to pass but they all stop and look at me and tell me about the boy who’s head had been injured. I realize all of the nuns eyes are seen shut but I was not afraid of them.. They told me I had to do something.. But I can’t remember what it was.
I go back into the castle and all of the sudden it is a theatre with some play is about to be held. One of the hairstylists didn’t show up so I pretended I was her and helped people with their hair. My childhood friend (and current stylist) Sammy was there working the event as well! We were so excited to run into each other.
We had to make a run to get something and I saw the boy getting into a truck and trying to run away. He pointed a gun at ass and told us not to call the cops and to let him go- so we did. Next thing I know I am at Hot Topic restretching my ears out and I could actually feel how heavy it was in the dream. They were beautiful pinkish marbles gauges in the shape of a rose. Somehow- the Hot Topic was in Colorado.

I really don’t understand my dreams. 😐

Life of a Sex Object

I have been drinking since the age of 13. I am currently 24 years old. For the past 6 years or so, I have drank alcohol heavily almost every night. If I took one or two days off a week, I felt “accomplished,” if you will. Every week I would tell myself, “Oh, I’ll quit on Monday.” Monday comes and I would be out having drinks by myself wondering what to do with my life… rant

Being a homeless child, I saw a lot of things. I was tortured, raped, abused and treated as an object all of my life. When I turned 18, I became a stripper. All I knew was you dance, flash your boobies and make a few hundred dollars, which was AMAZING!! Right? No. I felt like I had no other choice. I was broke, working two jobs at a Taco Bell and a Subway in the middle of nowhere, Arkansas and needed to get the fuck out of dodge, (and back to Texas!) I had moved there to support my mother after her divorce with my first step father.

After a month of saving making $100 a night, I packed up and drove to Austin, TX. Arkansas strip clubs obviously are very crummy! Anyways, I had a little over 1k and was ready to restart. Arkansas law required dancers to wear pasties that covers the areola/nipples and keep your t-back on while on stage. You must put your stripper outfit/dress back on BEFORE stepping off of the stage and getting onto the floor. There was no such thing as a table dance, if a customer wanted a dance from you, you would take him to the back lounge area and dance, with your outfit on (and shoes off) while a bouncer starred the entire time. $20, clothed dances.

So here I am in Austin, TX. I made a list of gentleman’s clubs I had googled and picked a place called The Yellow Rose. I remember picking it because that was my mothers favorite flower, a yellow rose. I go to the club and get hired on the spot. Nobody really told me what to do or where to go, just pointed me in the direction of the dressing room. As I am walking through the crowd, girls are walking around in just their thongs, titties out, grinding on guys all over the floor. I had a panic attack. What the fuck is this? Is this legal? I thought we couldn’t do that? I thought we had to dance with clothes on?! I was fucked. Shit.

I have my mental freak out moment and get dressed. The girls are absolutely gorgeous here compared to Arkansas! I felt stumped. Here I am, an 18 year old girl just trying to finally have a savings, subjecting herself to be the exact thing she had always been since she was a child – a sex object. I am and was the last person who should ever be in these situations..who should ever be spoken to or treated this way.. All of my life, I have been the object.  This was just the beginning to another many years of sexual abuse.

 

To Be Continued..

I’m Stuck

I’m stuck.

..

 

 

 

A Pirates Fate

A Pirates Fate By Jecca Bitner 7/1/15

The vessel sets south but the wind is blowing north
Pass the port and there goes the fort
Sails fluttering way up high
And she’s without knowledge how to fly
Everything she’s learned she’s taught herself
And people wonder a woman’s worth..
Riding through the strongest tides
The storm comes to no surprise
So as she stands and yells “Heave ho, Avast Ye”
But the Coaming fails as fast as thee
So there she waits for the Seadogs and Scallywags to assist the Matey
To no avail, she must Ballast the wheel
Because there is no Bosun upon this Jury Rigged Jolly Roger..
She pulls the Lanyard as the lookout falls into the Black Sea
Trying to fetch him; impossible in this Fathom
So she keeps ahead.. Salty faced and dry eyes looking for an evasion
The Crew leaving her stranded to save this Vessel one by one.. So she tries and tries to breach tide without discouragement..
But the Jolly Roger is sinking.. So she leaves all behind and leaps to the ocean, fearful of her life
From a distance she vaguely sees the Crow’s Nest down a float..
Wondering how and wondering why
So there she floats, in the freezing waters delight
She hears her men screaming, drowning, being struck with waves so high
She lays there gasping for air and fighting with all of her might
My ship has sunk and I am in the middle of the deadly pirates sea..
Daylight shall come soon, I just know it be..
But daylight never comes
So I wonder what the afterlife will be
A blissful world with no treachery or greed
So here I lay, shivering alone yet my mind set free
Because on the other side.. Hope must be there for me..

Copyright July 1, 2015 J.C.B ©

Things I learned in Europe

October 22,2015

Last October I toured Europe by myself for an entire month.. Here are some simple things I learned.. haha

There’s always another train if it’s daytime
People in Europe don’t smile at each other (while just walking around)
Everyone fuking smokes
It’ll be okay, there’s another train
Don’t carry shit bigger than you are
Eat at least once a day
Don’t drink 10liters of bier at Oktoberfest
Every guy under 24 looks like Justin Bieber
It isn’t Justin Bieber..
Everyone above 25 is hot as fuk
But not over 55
Every girl looks like the typical German girl- beautiful and big blonde braids
Anxiety attacks are more serious than anyone would know even if you have them prior to traveling.
If you have anxiety don’t drink
Don’t do drugs
Don’t go to Oktoberfest
Don’t go to Amsterdam
Pretend like you understand everything
Everyone walks with their dogs off of the leash and the dogs are obedient and actually follow- even in traffic
DONT fall asleep in a taxi…. Especially in a foreign country
Always memorize the taxi number you get into
Everyone says “I Luff et” and “Purrfekt” especially in London                                                   When you arrive at Stonehenge, take the thirty minute walk instead of riding the bus.
Everyone blows their nose in public – even while eating, which is my biggest pet peeve
WC stands for the restroom or “toilet/toiletten” You have to pay or tip to use most restrooms.

I will make a serious list some day..