Nun’s Eyes Sewn Shut

Dream:

I was with a bunch of people throwing a party at a hotel. My friends Sebastian and Timur were there alone with a bunch of random people.. Some girl kept rubbing on both of them and I was getting a little angry because I wanted Timur.
Was almost like a graduation party. Then the cops came and told us to quiet down and this hotel ended up being a nursing home sort of place that also used as a hotel.
A lady was being dragged outside for beating her kid. The little kid had a huge hole missing from the side/ top of his head but was still alive and standing, eyes open etc. it really creeped me out and I felt so mad at the lady.
Sometime later I found a mouse and my cat Killer tried to kill it. I didn’t save it in time so I held it until it died and stroked its head. Then a little bat was flying through the room. I followed it outside of the castle/ nursing home trying to catch it. When I caught it it bit me but I wasn’t afraid. I felt like it was feeding off of me. Then I turn around and see two long lines of nuns walking out of the building chanting. I stand there and wait for them to pass but they all stop and look at me and tell me about the boy who’s head had been injured. I realize all of the nuns eyes are seen shut but I was not afraid of them.. They told me I had to do something.. But I can’t remember what it was.
I go back into the castle and all of the sudden it is a theatre with some play is about to be held. One of the hairstylists didn’t show up so I pretended I was her and helped people with their hair. My childhood friend (and current stylist) Sammy was there working the event as well! We were so excited to run into each other.
We had to make a run to get something and I saw the boy getting into a truck and trying to run away. He pointed a gun at ass and told us not to call the cops and to let him go- so we did. Next thing I know I am at Hot Topic restretching my ears out and I could actually feel how heavy it was in the dream. They were beautiful pinkish marbles gauges in the shape of a rose. Somehow- the Hot Topic was in Colorado.

I really don’t understand my dreams. 😐

I Felt Like Talking

My life is like a movie
So unpredictable and unbelievable you would think I’m lying
I can still hear the screaming
Feel the beating

I moved out at 14 years of age.. I was tired of my life being threatened by drunken people who call themselves adults.
I lost my virginity being raped by a person who called himself my best friend.. Him and his friends duck taped my mouth and had their way with me..

Men… Men would offer me places to sleep..
For my friends it was a school night so their parents didn’t allow me over
I’d fall asleep hoping for once, it was safe
i would wake up being pinned down and forced .. After a while of fighting it I would stop because I was afraid of what they’d do to me if I kept yelling.

For years, I struggled being a homeless child. I’ve been living in survival mode since I was a child..
I don’t blame myself anymore but I am tired.. Sick.. And tired

At 16 a friend of 3years drugged me and raped me at a party. And again it happened at 21. That’s three times.
Not including the men who gave me a roof over my head when I was a teenager.

I always wanted to be happy.. I wanted to be a writer.. A singer.. An actress.. Everyone calls me “a light” but I guess they don’t see how dark I truly am..

I fight every morning to start anew. Every morning. All of my pain isn’t just from physical abuse.. This isn’t even a third of my story.

Ive had friends commit suicide and I constantly want to join them … And have tried many times

Hope.. You could say I’m hopeful but
I keep getting torn down every step that I take

I’m not going to call this an awareness video honestly…. I just felt like talking.

Walking around with a fake smile, drinking when you don’t even want to.. All I can think about is getting on track.. But no
I’m always stopped

It’s like a trap.

Being someone who has survived and seen a nightmare full of things makes me feel, I’d say 80years old.. I’m not naive.

Soul crushing my life has been
And all I desire to do is to change it
To be successful
To never let a man touch me again
To be alone
To smile
To dream peacefully instead of nightmares and sleep paralysis

I’d like to live… For once in my life.. I want to live

 

 

Copyright March 4, 2016  J.C.B ©